Finding yourself can lead to many different conversations, perspectives , and opinions. When you hear someone ask who are you, you usually think who you are on the outside, you most likely would answer saying that you are a young adult going to school and you’re studying a particular major , nothing more , nothing less. That being said, when we are asked who we are , looking deep inside yourself and questioning who you really are as an individual and your purpose may be out of the question. Identities change over time , what you were at two, you are not going to be at 12 and who you are at 12 is going to change when you are 22 years old . We all feel and experience different emotions as we grow and form different opinions through time . My name is Sophia Pettaway , and I am an artist.
Growing up, I never embraced my identity , I was never proud of it . I was in a school where little to no people that looked like me were there , and when I was around people that worked similar to me, I felt often judged because of my Neurodivergent circumstances. I am on the autism spectrum . Being a Neurodivergent black girl , you have a lot of people from a lot of different directions telling you what and what not to do . “Don’t do that , It’s too much , you’re loud , you’re smart, but you don’t work hard enough which makes you lazy , oh, my Lord every week you’re having a new hairstyle.” The more these certainn things were said to me the more I began to realize that this is a pattern , a partially racially, motivated , and overall rude pattern . It wasn’t until my mom realized that I could sing where things started to change . As a little girl, I always sang in the car. I made up these songs on the dot and would just tweet like a bird . The first time my mom tried to enroll me in vocal lessons , I threw a major tantrum because we literally just drove by the place and she claimed that she had to stop to just ask a question. From my point of view , how dare you not let me know you’re going to do this before ? You don’t just do something out of the blue like that , let me know first . The second time we came back to the studio , it went surprisingly well and I was preparing a solo that I was going to sing at church.
Once I started singing more and getting more comfortable being around people in that way, my mom put me in a performing arts camp for the summer. Little did I know that I will be calling that place home for the next ten years , I took every class you could imagine . I took dance, chorus, painting and drawing , nature , and more . The amount of performances I had made my mom run around like a chicken with no head . Ironically , she was a dance mom more in the summer than in the winter , only because I hated my mom going up to my school. Even though I was comfortable with the stage now, I still wasn’t sure if I wanted to do this as a career. It was not until my first school musical , “ thoroughly modern Millie” , where it was a sealed deal . I fell in love with the process , the long rehearsals, the friends you make , the music, rehearsals, the dance rehearsals . What stood out for me more was the little things by talking when you’re not supposed to , dancing in the dressing room when you were supposed to be in your costume by now . The good and bad days coming together in a beautiful show with everyone in sync was mesmerizing . Making the audience feel good and forget about their problems was also a big thing for me as well .
Due to my intentse upbringing, making bad choices, and getting punished with something that I did not take lightly . When I was on punishment, I felt something heavy sitting on my chest. Whenever I made a choice I shouldn’t have specifically as a child , I felt the same depression and stress similar to somebody who did not pay their bills on time, if you know that feeling, then you can understand where I’m coming from . That being said, I went to see how the Grinch stole Christmas at Madison Square Garden , seven years old and I was literally in another world. I forgot my bad deeds, and I remembered that the world does not end and sometimes , it just feels like it does , I felt hope , I felt peace , and I craved to give that feeling to hundreds of other people who deal with what I dealt with and ten times more . In 2023, we as a society forget how special it is for people to help other people , we lost a sense of community .
After thoroughly modern Millie, I got cast in the little mermaid in my eighth grade year, while looking at performing arts high schools to audition for . I auditioned for LaGuardia, Frank Sinatra, school of the arts, and Murrow High school . What usually is a sad day for eighth grade students, was a very happy day for me. I didn’t really know much about Frank Sinatra until I opened up my acceptance letter , and I did my research . A big tall pretty building in Astoria , with Starbucks right across the street , as a 13-year-old girl that’s a dream. Once I started my academic journey there , it did become a challenge. you faced competition on a daily with people who are just as talented as you or even more , I had teachers that pushed me and molded me on days that I did not even want to get out of bed, they expected perfection, and as they should. That being said, the performing arts definitely enhanced my English and language experience . I hated reading, growing up, whatever my dad told me to go read I always saw it as a punishment . Once I started high school and I began to understand the rhythm and the people that I was around, I was influenced to change my vocabulary. I always said words like ain’t , imma , finna , didn’t , and I fell in love with the beauty of taking your time, and not slapping words up together, just because it is easier . I see English as storytelling , and to me, storytelling is a form of creative expression . You are also in another world when you are reading a book that you enjoy or reading somebody else’s story , you are not in your world, you are in there’s.
Trap this all in a pretty Christmas bow , I would like to go back to the topic of finding yourself. It is okay if you still don’t know who you are and your purpose on this planet, if you want to know what your purpose is that’s honestly good enough because it shows that you care and you want to contribute . Everyone has a different point in their life where their identity and their purpose is revealed to them , enjoy the sequence of events, and enjoy life , there is a reason that you don’t know who you are yet . Maybe you have to go through a few more chapters for you to understand , As well-known music artist H.E.R states “it’s the journey” . After being questioned by many people throughout the years, I also now know that if someone is annoyed, because you are different, that should be confirmation to stay who you are, and to not change . That is easier said than done , but they are upset because they are unfamiliar with you not because your existence is wrong , be different and enjoy the process of finding yourself .
